The BIG Picture

Some say it's a gift, others say it's a curse. Depending on how you look at it, it could be either, neither or both. I remember every thing. Like when I fell in love with a complete stranger when I was only 13! It happened when I visited my brother in Manila. I know, I was too young. But I was so curious so I asked every one who could possibly tell me more about this stranger. I wanted to know anything and every thing. But of course, nobody could really tell me save for my brother. Unfortunately, he lives two hours away from me. I thought I lost my first love, all but too soon.
But you can't stop fate. Perhaps I've always known it was meant to be!
One school afternoon, I saw this massive queue near the Freshman building. I walked towards it and I couldn't believe my eyes! I didn't have to go to my brother's condo-apartment after all. As soon as my last class was over, I went to see how big the queue was and was disappointed to see that it's even longer than earlier. But I stood there for an hour until I finally got inside the Computer room. I was so excited that they brought this stranger to my school, I couldn't believe my luck. I chose the computer station nearest to the door and there it was right in front of me - the internet!
I remember every little thing. I can even say the internet and I have been through so much. But to be honest, that sounds really sad. I don't want to sound like a loser and spent all my time in front of the computer since I was 13. Because I spent a lot of time in front of the computer even before that. I was 9 when my mum got her first computer. Of course I hardly ever got my hands on it because she used it for her work, and she worked 24/7. Now and again though, she would take a wee break and she gives me a half hour to use her computer.
My favourite was Scorched Earth. To the new generation, it's an ancient game. But I don't feel bad. Because my brother, who introduced me to the game, is ten years older than me.. So, I just imagine how he feels when I get into moments of feeling old. Especially being married to someone three years younger than I.. cut me some slack here!
OK, so there was Scorched Earth, Mines Sweeper, and then there is the deletion of my brother's thesis that he worked on for months.. one click and it was all gone! I thought I was going to be deleted by my brother as well, but thankfully, our bathroom had a strong bolt lock. Otherwise I would have easily gone to the recycle bin, no doubt.


Ten Years Later...

Looking back now, I don't know how i lumped dial-up internet. But I suppose, if that is all you know, then you wouldn't really ask for anything else if you didn't know they existed. And that is why I came to love the internet. I found out a whole new world out there which I never knew existed. I got to talk to people from different parts of the world and learned so much more than what I have ever learned in school, for the short time I spent in them. I got to see photos of the most beautiful places in the world, listen to the latest songs before they even hit the radio in the Philippines, I even got to send a text message without having a mobile phone! And now the internet is even making people's dreams come true. Take for instance, musicians that have been discovered and given a break just by watching their home video that they uploaded on YouTube, like Boyceavenue, Esmee Denter, Mariè Digby, and many others. Without the internet, these extremely talented people would still be only singing in their bedrooms and would have not gotten the chance to share their talent with the world, and the world would have never been able to make their ultimate dream come true. Personally, I didn't post a video of me singing in my bedroom on youtube because that would be a complete disaster, but the internet still managed to make my ultimate dream come true: I met my husband.


The Bad Stuff

Of course, like every thing else, the internet is not at all just a world of dreams coming true and all the sweet things in life. I know there are a lot of worried parents because their kids are getting hooked and spending a lot of time in front of the computer. Since I am aware of the many bad things a child might see on the internet, when my niece Steffi stays over and I let her use my computer and go online, I make sure I watch her and tell her what websites she is allowed to visit. I don't have parental control because I am not a parent so I don't need that on my computer, and I trust my nephews and nieces when they use my computer to do as they are told. This is easy because if I catch them on a website other than what they are allowed to go to, they can never use my computer again. And they don't want that because they love my computer and my internet :-) I wasn't surprised when Steffi got an A+ on her computer subject in school. She is a very clever girl and she's a natural with computers. I like showing her photos of the some of the most amazing place in the world because I want her to know that even though we live in a third world country, it doesn't mean we have to be third world people. I told her if she keeps the good grades in school, she can go to a really good University like Harvard, Cambridge, Stanford or Oxford and she wouldn't need the internet to look at the beautiful places in the world, she can just go see them herself for real. And she can take photos of them and post it on her blog and share it to the new generation of kids. Her smile tells me she understood.


Internet = Freedom

As more and more websites spring, more and more people get hooked into the internet fever. I have asked so many people why they like the internet, and the most common answer was that they get to be themselves when they go online to talk to people. After all, even if they get rejected, it won't be anywhere near half as bad as if it were in real life - face to face. But I am also aware that many people like to go on chat rooms because they can be the person they want to be, or the person they want people think they are. The only difference is the level of how far they are willing to go. Personally, the farthest I went was lie about my age, my name and my location. My age because I don't think there is many people who would like to chat to a 14 year old girl. My name because to me, it's a personal information to tell strangers, and my location because I wanted to know if less people would talk to me if they knew where I was. Surprisingly enough, they didn't really care. It's the same response I got whether I tell people I am in the Philippines, England or Japan: "Cool, how's it like there?"
But people online who goes as far as lying about who they really are, what they do and how they feel towards the person they chat with is a different story. Most of the time, these people hurt - whether intentionally or not - the people they meet online. I had my share of this, but since I understand the internet, I eventually became immune to what people tend to do online. I also became a good online lie detector, so when the time came that I needed to tell someone I like him even if he wasn't a Chemist who graduated from University of Manchester, all my online experience paid off. I don't go on chat rooms anymore. The last time I went on one was in year 2000. I got fed up of bots and idiotic people who don't seem to know the proper way of saying "hi", instead they say "wot are you wearing babes?". When I first heard this, I said "why do you ask?", eventually, being aware of the nasty things on the internet, I now say "Piss off wot I'm wearin, you tosser", and click on block. God, I hope if I have a son, he wouldn't be such a loser as to not get laid in real life and go asking that dreaded questions to girls on the internet.. or worse, ask it to the queers freely roaming the net! I'll leave that to James if it happens.. phew!


New Websites, Old Faces

Few years ago, I joined a website called Friendster. It was only recently that I got bored enough to do a search on my old school, and I saw quite a few school mates. Most of them have not changed one little bit, some have successful careers, some have so many kids already! I think I am the only one in my batch who does not have a child yet. In my circle of friends, I am the only one who doesn't, but it's my choice. I don't want to stay in a marriage "because of the kids". I don't want to make every decision "for the sake of the children". And when James and I have arguments, I don't want to "want to sort it out for the kids". It's not that I don't intend to stay married to James because I do. We said 50 years so we only have 47 years to go :-). I realise that my husband still want to do a lot of things, and so do I. I don't want to stop or delay his degree from University of Manchester because we have children to consider. The last thing I want is for his parents to think I ended his future . I know well they don't approve of our marriage, and so I want to prove to them that just because we got married doesn't mean he can't have the degree in Biology that he always wanted to get. I have delayed it already, but James and I promised to each other that he will get it, and this September he is going back to University. I also don't want to have to tell my family I couldn't help them because I have children to take care of. See, if James and I have 47 more years together, then we have plenty of time to have children. We both want to spend as much time with each other as possible and go on holidays without the restriction of having children. I don't want to be like some of the people I know who have so many regrets, and wishes they have done the things they wanted to do first before they had kids, which is why they found themselves married in the first place. Of course, James and I can still achieve these things even if we have children, but the point is, I still want to do a lot of things for my my mum. Things she never got to do because she had four children to think about. I don't want to fail this dream because I have a child of my own. There is a right time for every thing. And the right time to give my mother the things she never had because she had to make some sacrifices for us, her children, is now. She is not going to be here forever, and if I want to spend the next few years giving my mother the things that would make her happy and comfortable, while also building a strong marriage with my husband, having children can wait. Having children is a huge responsibility, and in my heart I know that I am not ready. I want my children to have all the things that I never had, I want them to have the best. And right now, I can't offer them the best - yet. Maybe James and I should go on the Cryopreservation programme in case things take longer than expected :-D


It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for who you are not.

My husband once told me that I am very different from the women in the Philippines. I was showing him the friendster profiles of my mates, and I told him I found some of my old class mates on the same website as well. He said I'm more open, straightforward and liberal. He tells me when he was on dating websites, the profile description were all identical: "Hi, I'm a simple girl and..." At first I thought he liked them simple and I was like, "well I ain't simple, like it or lump it".
If there is one thing that the internet contributed to what I am now as a person, it is that I don't care what other people think of me because at the end of the day, what they think doesn't matter, as long as I am not hurting them in any way at all. I've learned that if someone doesn't like you because you don't fit in their criteria, then move on. I was never scared to tell someone I am not like his ex, or that I don't agree with them, or tell someone to STFU when they start to stereotype women, or people from my country. So people call you a slut because you put on a dress that hug your body, or wear something more revealing than what they think you should wear? They call you a noob when you don't know what "irl, afk, brb, lol" mean? Toss it. At the end of the day, it's what I think and feel about myself that would count. People can go calling you anything they want, but if you know in your heart what you truly are, then that is all that matters. It's their loss if they never bothered to find out what else lies beyond what the naked eyes can see.
It actually surprised me at first when I found out that with the millions of people online, you are bound to find someone who respects your opinions, beliefs and the person you are. And for those who don't, you can always block them. Why fit in when you can stand out?


So it doesn't take one click to block someone in real life, but it doesn't mean it can't be done. In truth, life is one big internet. It's full of strangers, full of people you do NOT have to please. It's full of people who have the ability to hurt you, or even break your heart. But you can move on, and find somebody who won't do the same. It's full of fake people you do NOT have to tolerate. And real life, just like the internet is also full of people who are just like yourself - waiting for someone who would listen to them without being judged. Just because you are face-to-face with each other does not mean you can't have a meeting of minds. I once told my husband that if I had not met him online, but in a pub or club instead, we'd still be together. He said he would not have the balls to ask me out, but i said "I would". He must have forgotten that I was the first one to "send interest" to him online.