The Thing That I Miss The Most

It's like waking up from a really long dream. You know the feeling when you feel so exhausted from sleeping? You know for sure you had dreamt of something but couldn't quite remember it. I think long and hard. No such luck.
Then I get scene flashbacks and suddenly I remember my dream. But it's not the one I had last night or any other previous nights. It's that dream I had when I was a little girl.
As a child your parents and your teachers tend to tell you 'you can be anything you want to be be, you just got to start dreaming'. And as a child we fall into trap of believing it is that easy. So we dream and we dream and dream some more. As we grow older we take too many paths - roadblocks, detours and crossroads along the way - and we tend to lose focus on our destination.
But what does it matter? My favourite English teacher used to tell me all the time that it's not the destination, rather it's the journey that counts. I agree.
It's just that I lost focus on my target - my destination. My journey, although bumpy at times, was not so bad. But now I am lost.

Every one who knows me will testify to the girl I once were. Cheerful, bubbly and loves to laugh. I still love to laugh but lately I have been running out of things to laugh about.
I miss the girl who's so carefree and did not have any care in the world. She was full of confidence and full of dreams. I always say I am shallow when it comes to things that make me laugh and things that make me happy.
Doing things for my family makes me happy. Spending time with my nephews and nieces makes me laugh. Helping out my friends and my siblings when I can makes me happy. Playing with my cats make me happy. I lost all that when I left home.
But wait, this is one my dreams as a young me. To travel and see other parts of the world and meet different kinds of people. Learn their language, know about their culture.
Oh no, it's not really a dream. I lost focus.
My destination was meant to be South Africa. I wanted to be a volunteer in Wildlife Conservation Centres there or better yet, be a part of their Research Team. I also dreamt of being a teacher to young kids. So I made myself a couple of options: work with animals or work with kids.
I thought to myself, if I'm able to fulfill these dreams, I'd have the bonus of being able to travel around the world. And I admit, I just lost my way.

But there is no one else to blame but myself. Someone told me today that I am the only one who can execute the plans I make. It's damn easy to make plans.
It feels as if I had been travelling forever. I'm exausted from listening to people who tells me what to do. I couldn't blame them, they don't know me. If I get told what to do and when to do it all the time, I am more likely to stand still. And that's exactly what I have been doing.
I want to be my old self. I just don't know where to pick up the pieces really. It's more fun being the old me as the new me terribly sucks.

Next week James and I are scheduled to move into our new home. The peace I so dearly missed will soon be mine again. And I will get out of this phase.
I will be ME again.