The Thing That I Miss The Most

It's like waking up from a really long dream. You know the feeling when you feel so exhausted from sleeping? You know for sure you had dreamt of something but couldn't quite remember it. I think long and hard. No such luck.
Then I get scene flashbacks and suddenly I remember my dream. But it's not the one I had last night or any other previous nights. It's that dream I had when I was a little girl.
As a child your parents and your teachers tend to tell you 'you can be anything you want to be be, you just got to start dreaming'. And as a child we fall into trap of believing it is that easy. So we dream and we dream and dream some more. As we grow older we take too many paths - roadblocks, detours and crossroads along the way - and we tend to lose focus on our destination.
But what does it matter? My favourite English teacher used to tell me all the time that it's not the destination, rather it's the journey that counts. I agree.
It's just that I lost focus on my target - my destination. My journey, although bumpy at times, was not so bad. But now I am lost.

Every one who knows me will testify to the girl I once were. Cheerful, bubbly and loves to laugh. I still love to laugh but lately I have been running out of things to laugh about.
I miss the girl who's so carefree and did not have any care in the world. She was full of confidence and full of dreams. I always say I am shallow when it comes to things that make me laugh and things that make me happy.
Doing things for my family makes me happy. Spending time with my nephews and nieces makes me laugh. Helping out my friends and my siblings when I can makes me happy. Playing with my cats make me happy. I lost all that when I left home.
But wait, this is one my dreams as a young me. To travel and see other parts of the world and meet different kinds of people. Learn their language, know about their culture.
Oh no, it's not really a dream. I lost focus.
My destination was meant to be South Africa. I wanted to be a volunteer in Wildlife Conservation Centres there or better yet, be a part of their Research Team. I also dreamt of being a teacher to young kids. So I made myself a couple of options: work with animals or work with kids.
I thought to myself, if I'm able to fulfill these dreams, I'd have the bonus of being able to travel around the world. And I admit, I just lost my way.

But there is no one else to blame but myself. Someone told me today that I am the only one who can execute the plans I make. It's damn easy to make plans.
It feels as if I had been travelling forever. I'm exausted from listening to people who tells me what to do. I couldn't blame them, they don't know me. If I get told what to do and when to do it all the time, I am more likely to stand still. And that's exactly what I have been doing.
I want to be my old self. I just don't know where to pick up the pieces really. It's more fun being the old me as the new me terribly sucks.

Next week James and I are scheduled to move into our new home. The peace I so dearly missed will soon be mine again. And I will get out of this phase.
I will be ME again.

I've been warned

I just read a review on this book and it's got 2 out of 5 stars. Hmmm...... I really liked this book and it gave me goose bumps at the end of the book. It may have been repetitive but it was explained at the end why. Someone said the book is horrible but maybe he didn't quite understand the ending. It's only a small book so I read it in a few hours. I couldn't put it down, I just had to find out what was happening. I was able to guess what was going on though.
Mr James Patterson forgot to describe his main character though... I guess I am so used to Jacie Collins work haha
I did enjoy this book though. First time I got scared by a book.

RIP Michael

At 11:45PM last night James and I were in bed. I was reading the rest of my very exciting book whilst James was watching the news on the telly. I was so into my book that I can only half-hear the news. I thought the breaking news said 'Michael Jackson's mum has died' but then when James sat upright and gasped 'M Jackson's dead!' and I was like, 'no you idiot it's his mum'. Of course being a news junkie he's already heard that Jackson has had a heart attack yesterday morning and he said the news said it's not that serious so he was surprised to hear that he died. As exciting as my book was I, too, sat upright to hear the details of the news.
I don't feel sorry for him for dying. He lived a full life, a very very full life indeed. I hope that he will be remembered for his music and the influence and inspiration he bestowed on many aspiring artists. He may have been very weird and strange as a person but as an artist he was amazing and one of a kind.

Do I know you?

I got up early today and got my chores out of the way so I got time to get bored in WOW. I decided to try other specs since i gained 500 gold from last night's Ulduar (from loot and engineering FL, XT and Mimiron). I browsed through Last Resort's armory since they are an ace PVE guild on our server. A few days ago they got Algalon in Heroic, realm first. Wachabe's talent interested me so I thought I'd try it. It actually made me do more DPS with and without my CDs but I think it's won't work for me cos it's not very mana efficient. And this random player called Feralclaw said my spec is not good for SV. I ignore players who comment on my spec because I don't tell people how to distribute their talent points. Even when another hunter asks me, I tell them whatever works for them. I've actually had another hunter who used to be in my guild tell me my spec is not very good. Eventhough I did a lot more DPS than him with a crapper bow and melee weapon. Anyway I hate people who inspect your talent and tell you it's wrong or it's not good. If I want opinion I'd ask for it thankyouverymuch. So yeah today is going to be expensive because I feel like trying different specs :p

On a brighter note

I got a phone call from my Auntie Sylvia from New Zealand and I was so psych about it. I've not heard from her in ages and was disappointed when they spent Christmas Holidays in the Philippines after I've left :(
Anyway we spoke for like an hour and a half and she assured me that if I ever want to visit NZ, I got a place I can stay :) NZ is actually quite high on my list of destinations if I will have the opportunity to travel some in the future.
When I first arrived here I was surprised to get a phone call from my Auntie Julie who also resides in NZ (for like 15 years now) and it really is heartwarming to think that I must have been a good niece at one point in my life.

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Several days ago, someone told me he read my blog and found it compelling. I was like, sorry if you found it to be like that. It was 1AM and it was not until I was comfy in my bed waiting for dreams to take me away that I realised he did say compelling and not repelling... D'oh!

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G is now talking to me again. Has been since I sent him a bday text actually. From what it seems, we have both grown up and maybe this time we can be friends. I'm happy that he is finally going to train to be a paramedic. He's always wanted to be one and not many people know what they want out of their lives. But it has been over five years since he first mentioned that to me and I am happy he is finally realising his dreams.

It's MY Life, so piss off it. It's not my fault you ain't got ONE.

Kisses to those who envy and hate.

Growing up just 10 minutes away from the red light district, you'll be surprised to know that I never actually seen what goes on in that strip until I was 17. Before that I never really understood why my mother never wanted me to say I am from Angeles City but being the person that I am, I didn't care. I told people where I am from when they asked. If they judge me for growing up in a place that is not even my choice, then that greatly reflects on them and not me. And surely if that's the case then they are simply not worth my time. I came to understand completely why my mum thought it was best I didn't tell people where I lived when I saw what was actually going on in that strip. But this did not change my stand on telling people where I am from. I never gave a rat's ass to what people think of me, of that I have been consistent. Why stop to care when I could just keep doing my thing and enjoy my life the way I like to and in the process kgive people more to talk about and laugh behind their backs

for being a no-lifer. When I got a job at Clarkton Hotel which is owned by a German businessman and caters for foreigners, my next-door neighbours soon speculated that I worked in one the girlie bars in the strip. I know this for a fact because every time i will walk past the gossipers their conversation will come to a sudden halt and put half a smile on. Our live-in housekeeper, Elena, also tells me that they ask her about what I do and why sometimes I go to work late nights. I told Elena to tell them she doesn't know what I do because I like the idea of people wasting their time thinking about my what and whereabouts. What I never understood is why they are so interested in me when I never shown a quarter of that interest towards them. I like to keep my business to myself and people think that if you do, you have something to hide. The rumours about me got worse when I met Noel, my first serious relationship. He was much older than me and everyone thought they were right. That only strengthened their opinion of me and that only made them look more pathetic in my eyes.
I had never let people's opinion of me affect me in any way because I thought if I did that then I will never be happy in my life because I will always have to watch what I do. I only live my life for me and my immediate family and very close friends. If you happen to not fall into either of those categories, then sorry to say that I don't care what you think about me. Oftentimes this attitude of mine did not go down well with my mum and sister because very unlike me, they do care what other people say.

None of my relatives live in Angeles City and needless to say they have an impression that everyone who lives there are prostitutes. I always knew they thought I was one and I did not give a flying fuck to say the least. Five years later I heard they still talk about me - same old shit. Damn I feel like a Hollywood Star! Have they very little to do with their pathetic lives? I guess this is a result of ignoring them all these years and just letting everything pass. Being the kind of people that they are, they probably expect me to defend mysef and beg them to believe I'm a decent woman. Some people think that one's silence is a sign of guilt and defeat but that is only for people who are either narrow-minded or plain dumb. Personally my silence should have told them that I do not care in the least bit what they thought about me and in my silence I also laugh at them for wasting too much time talking about me when I don't even think about them at all. People who mingle with other people's business have no business of their own and that is a fact. I realised that in this particular situation I am being used as an scapegoat for them to feel better about themselves. I don't get it. Why do people have to bring someone down to feel good about themselves? They need a patsy to boost their self-confidence and what's worse is they actually believe their own strings of lie in the process.

I am not your typical Filipina lady. She who is simple, traditional, soft spoken, shy and conservative. I am probably the exact opposite of that. I am quite liberal, I have a complex personality. I am a complicated person to crack. I am not traditional - I go for what works and what's practical. I am receptive of people's minds, I am not easily-shocked. And oftentimes a come-hither. Unlike most of my lady-like Filipina friends, I would speak my mind. It got me to trouble sometimes but what good is living if you can't tell people what you REALLY think? I don't act and speak as what the society I live in expects me to. But this attitude made it easy for me to know which of the people I know are keepers, usually those who can sit down and have a good conversation with and laugh to my sarky humour. This is what attracted me to my first boyfriend. But to those who wanted so much to bring me down it's an opportunity to slag me to death - behind my back. Unfortunately for them, they chose the wrong girl because I simply ignored them completely and lived life as it should be lived. I was in that relationship for 4 years.

Every one who knows me would agree that if I ware ever a hooker I would be filthy rich by now, if they were being honest. Why not? I was young, not bad looking and I can hold a good convo. Oh and yeah almost forgot my good figure, haha :) I don't normally blow my own whistle like some people I know but I am trying to make a point here. To put it shortly and bluntly, I had many choices and a lot of indescent proposals came my way. When I worked as a receptionist in a hotel and then later transferred to the Accounts Department (same company) I once thought how easy it would be to get rich fast. But I prefer to be with someone I enjoy being with and talking to as oppose to having all the material things while I loathe every second spent with my partner.

Back in the Philippines people considered you lucky if you got the chance to travel abroad - whether for leisure or business. I had the opportunity to travel to Thailand and UK, and all over the Philippines. At the age of 15 I won an International Letter Writing Contest and I was able to buy my sister and myself a mobile phone. This marked the beginning of my urge to help my family out. The feeling is amazing when you are able to put a smile on somebody's face, even greater when it's family. At the age of 16 I got to help out my parents a little bit when I started working full-time. At age 18 I was supporting my mum and helping my siblings when I can. I travelled on my own to Thailand at the age of 19 (Christmas present from my BF). At the age of 21 I got to put up my very own internet cafè with the help of my family. And in between I helped send my brother's daughters to school and buy them school things. Children are so lovely they are very appreciative of anything you give them - no matter how little. At 23 I got to travel half-way around the world to England and I'm still here.

It's sad that my mum's sister Terry and her daughter Kristina could not accept the fact that I achieved these things working decent jobs with a bit of luck and support from my family. Is it because she was able to go to University and in fact at the moment she is studying to be a nurse, whilst I barely finished Second year in High School? Is it because (as she kept emphasizing everytime we saw each other) she is a City Girl and a "professional" (by professional she means a call centre agent) whilst I am a country girl? Is it because she got knocked-up without having a steady boyfriend and now have a bastard for a son whilst I am happily married (mind you, with someone who is not rich at all... must have been a dumb hooker of me to choose someone just starting out with life when I could have chosen someone who is settled and stable)? Ah, I know... Is it because she can't accept that I achieved more in spite all the facts stated above? Or maybe her hypocrytical, lying no-lifer of a mother just gets off slagging people off because that is the only way she feels good anymore. It is really sad. She dares spread the word about me being a prostitute... but even if I were, at least hookers gets paid. She should tell that to her daughter who gives free blowjobs to blokes she only met hours ago in the middle of the steps of a club.
If I am giving them something to do this way and if I help make them feel good about themselves, no problem. They just have to realise that they only inspire me to do better. I hope that the day will come when they don't have to gossip about other people and put them down in order to up their own self-esteem. My mother raised me well and I have enough confidence in myself and fun in my life that I never have to think bad of other people to feel good about myself. And for this I never talked about them despite the fact that there are lots to say about them. That just doesn't get me off. So here's how it's gonna be: they'll keep gossiping about me and I will keep living it up here. They can't say anything about me that has not been said before so they can shove their gossipy dirty mouths up their uptight asses for all I care.

These are the latest flicks I've seen:

Startrek - I never liked startrek the TV series, but I actually enjoyed watching this movie. Spock's gorgeous lol
Bride Wars - not so bad for a chick flick. I like Kate Hudson, she's gorgeous! This film made me miss my bessy tho :<
The Grudge Part 3 - failed to scare me (which means it's crap lol)
Night at the Museum 2 - bore me rigid. The first one was definitely better!
Drag Me to Hell - Poltergeist (1982)had better horror effects than this, but the ending made up for the crappy cinematography
Confessions of a Shopaholic - I actually read one of the shopaholic books by Sophie Kinsella and as always it's more fun to read than watch, for me anyway. I never liked a film which I've read on a book first. Perfect example: Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown and Tom Clancy's Patriot Games. I am not saying Shopaholic & Baby is as good as these books, (no not at all) but the movie is way too exaggerated and the actress who played Becky tried too hard. Exactly the case with PS I Love You by Cecilia Ahern. The book was good, the film was very disappointing - a case of bad casting.

Yes I am still a movie junkie :)

Lovers and Players by Jackie Collins is the last book I've read and I am reading The Rise of the Horde by Christie Golden at the moment.

This morning I was up by ten to 8AM which is pretty unusual cos I've never been an early riser. James and I had another viewing and this time it was a 2bedroom end cottage, a five minute walk from his parents' house. I am really enjoying all these viewing stuff, I feel like I am one of those people in housing programmes I like to watch. Now I know that it is true, you really have to have a good feeling about the place as soon as you enter. I wasn't very happy with the one we saw this morning, but I guess it's because the flat we saw yesterday is more my taste. I am really excited about having our own place. I have only ever lived in one home for 20 years so this is the first time I am going to have my own place. I am ever so pleased that we are getting out of here and will soon have our own space that will reflect James and I and not remnants of us. The modern flat in a brand new building which is a 4 minute walk to the Town Centre really appealed to me. It only has one bedroom but it is a good size - just a bit bigger than mine back home and double the size of James' room here. It has a little terrace and it is in a good area. The cottage we saw today is like an old lady's house, I don't see myself living there at all. Although I have to say there is one advantage to it - it is a house which has a little backyard but the maintenance for the modern flat will be a lot cheaper and easier. James and I have decided that we will decide over the weekend and he will give the real estates agents a ring on Monday morning to let them know that we are taking the flat. What I don't like about here though is you can't just move in like you can back home. You need to pay so much fees like bond and council tax. In the PI, you just hand out a 1M deposit and 1M advance and you're good to go! Oh well at least James is taking care of all that. My role will be decorating the place and adding some personal touch to it so that it can still be very homely, even for a 1bed flat.

Back in shape in time for the summer :)