England Diaries: Day 21

There is simply no substitute for Home.

It's 5:00PM here in England, 12MN in the Philippines, and I've been looking at the clock this way for the past three weeks. Yep, today marks my twenty first day in England. I got a text from my mum this morning saying there's thunderstorm afoot and the power's out (well, what do you know?), and the British family who lives right across our house are yelling at each other again. At the end of the text reads "don't you just miss these?". Actually, I do. I miss everything back home. I miss my family, I miss my pets. I miss the feeling of knowing I have people to turn to when I am sick, unsure or depressed. I miss being in my own home. Going and staying in any room of the house that I fancy without having to watch my every move. I miss the sanctity of my bedroom. I miss our food... I know I can cook most of them here, but I also miss Elena or my mum cooking for me. I love to cook, but sometimes I also like being cooked for. I miss our television shows because the telly here is rubbish. It's either a repeat of a crap program or a porn-like sex education at midnight or a gay game show what scam people. Ah, I forgot to mention numbers of Home Shopping networks. I miss my best friend, Sarah and my other close mates back home. I miss getting texts from them confirming the time they'd be coming over or what time we have to leave for our night/day outs. I miss the jeepneys and the trikes because they are so conveniently there when you need them. I miss being able to wear the clothes and the shoes I want without having to put on layers of clothing over it. I miss the nailwoman. I miss our lounge and our couch and the cats watching telly with me. I miss mornings when I can confidently go downstairs, and go to the lounge to enjoy my cup of coffee. I miss our weather and the familiar faces that run around in the sun outside our house. People from back home might think I am crazy, but I had all I want and need there, so why did I have to leave? Now and again, I would ask myself if it's worth it. I know my friends and family think I am lucky that I am here, but why do they think that? Do I have enough here to justify what I left? I know my husband loves me more than anything in the world put together and he shows it in every way, every day. My in-laws are nice to me, but it is only now that I realise how much of a good life I had back home. Back home, when I am in my room, there is a silent understanding that I am "not there". Well, here, in a "normal" household, they pop in the room to have a little chat with me, or they just pop in to say they are home. They ask me what I am making for tea, would I like to come down and get a drink because I've been coughing. I miss my "me time". Today I ironed 12 tshirts, one pair of shorts and 4 polo shirts and 5 hankies for my in-laws. I didn't mind doing it because it's the least I can do for them since I am not working yet. It's just sometimes, I can't help but appreciate the fact that my own mother never asked me to iron anything in my life, it's the one chore I hate doing. When I told James I miss having Elena around, he said I can't expect everyone to be doing things for me. I am not expecting people to do things for me, I just said I miss it. It's not my fault I never had t do it. I've just been so fortunate that I had someone do everything for me. I am not complaining because I know I am very lucky to be here. I just sometimes have surges of lonely spell and I do miss home. I have been having a lot of dreams lately of me going back to the Philippines and ringing James here telling him I want to go back. I think this reflects how torn I am between staying here and going back home. I understand that when I start working, it will be easier because James and I will be getting our own flat, and eventually I can bring my mum here. But would I want her to feel how I feel now? I guess she's been here before when she went to New Zealand when me and siblings were younger. I carry that thought in my heart. I know she'd tell me I can do this. And I know I can, but I realise now why they say there is absolutely no place like HOME.