When Words don’t come easy

I usually have something to say. Words hardly ever come difficult for someone like me. Sometimes I have so much to say that I talk inside my head, and probably out loud now and again like a proper mental. And I would often write poems if I feel like I have more to say. But not on that particular lovely day in August.

I have dreamt of it many times before. I have fantasized and thought over and over in my head what I should say first because I had an awful lot of things that I wanted to say. I have worried that my nerves might get the better of me and I might not be able to say anything at all. I was partly right about that bit. But it wasn’t because of my nerves. In fact, I wasn’t nervous at all. His face was so familiar like I’ve seen him so many times before. And then it hit me – I have stared at his face on my computer screen so many times that it had become engraved on my memory. I watched his face carefully half-knowing I won’t see him again, and thought “Ah, so this was the bloke who sang to me whilst playing his guitar over the phone, probably cost him a lot. What was that song again? Ah, Slide by The Goo Goo Dolls. I even wrote a poem called “May” after that, I remember”.

But I just sat there in the passenger seat of his car with nothing to say like an idiot. I guess in some way we have become strangers. I’d usually throw a compliment or two to people, but I couldn’t at that point in time. Even after he said I looked more gorgeous than he remembers. Or that I look totally amazing. I wish I could have thrown him something nice to say apart from a lame ‘you smell good’. It’s ridiculous I know! I was somewhat relieved that we both didn’t know where to go to have a sit down for coffee and a chat. Well, I kind of did know one in the town but it was too awkward. And I felt like we had nothing to talk about. And to be honest, I kept thinking of nasty things he had done and said to me and I struggled to remember something nice. To top it all off, he walked in front of me, which just costed him a thousand good points. Apart from that though, he had been nice and polite. Too polite as I thought he could be. He even said that bum squeeze might be inevitable as that is how he hugged, but when he gave me a hug his hands didn’t even go anywhere near the small of my back. I teased him about it just as he was leaving and we had a little giggle. He had said that if I am still here in two week’s time, he could call again and stay longer. I think I just grunted a short “hmm..” because I just didn’t know what to say. Even after he’s left and sent me a text message reading he was so close to turning back, and he asked me if he was what I expected. Even now I can’t answer that question. I suppose fifteen minutes is not enough to give an honest answer to that question. So I am going to leave that for now, and when I have a fair answer to it, I will tell him.

Some time ago he had told me that he came so close to going to the Philippines to see me, but then he thought to himself that I wouldn’t have done the same for him. So I guess he never really knew me after all. I always think that if you care enough about someone, you wouldn’t have to think about such a silly thing. It doesn’t matter if that person would do the same for you if they could. Love finds joy in doing something special without being afraid that it won’t be reciprocated. Unfortunately, he is the sort of person who likes to take more than give. And there is nothing wrong with that – unless you know well that you can give more but you still don’t and you just keep taking anyway. It’s very selfish and insecure.

Love really is blind, isn’t it? I will never think of him this way back then. I met my husband on the internet as well, but we have never run out of things to talk about even on the first day we ever met each other outside the virtual world. There is no competition there. But I could do with a friend here in England :-p And he seemed like a nice person, a bit different from that one he portrays to be on the internet. And well, I wouldn’t mind if he wanted to be friends with me. But it’s not like we live anywhere near each other and besides, I am not sure words will come to me the next time we see each other again. We’re as good as two strangers could be. It’s really hard to pick up the pieces when they have all been blown by the wind to the sea, and drowned by the water.

“So how come you two broke up? Maybe you should try patching things up since you seem to love her very much.”

“Well I don’t know. It just wasn’t working out and she’s decided to move to Sheffield, and it's hard. You know what it’s like, you’ve been there.”

“Ha ha Yeah, Sheffield and Bristol really is like England and the Philippines”

That is just most ridiculous.