RSS Feed (xml)
26 November 2012
A Dream Come True
Happy Graduation! I always knew you were born to save lives. You've saved mine many times and that was before you were a full-fledged paramedic! 8 years ago you told me you wanted to save lives and now here you are! Congratulations, G-man. You've worked so hard and now it's finally paid off. I could not be happier for you.
14 November 2012
Family Meals
Growing up I don't really have a recollection of family meals. My mother was a career woman and she was hardly ever around. I mean, physically my mother was always present as she worked from home but she was always in her bedroom writing her heart away. She was always working on strict deadlines and no one was allowed to speak with her when she's in there writing. My dad, on the other hand, was hardly ever home. He worked every day until he decided to turn into a drunk monster and break his leg after which time he turned into a couch potato and pretty much took over the lounge and watched endless shit on the telly.
My brothers and sister all lived in boarding houses in Manila and later on went to university and I hardly ever saw them. I have no memory of my parents eating together either, let alone of them eating with me. Sometimes when my brother came home for the weekend from Univ, we did eat together but he always read a book whilst eating and he did not like to be talked to when he is reading - which was all the time. On the other hand i remember eating with my sister when she came home for the weekend from University which wasn't often at all but when she was around we made the most of it. My sister is ace and I looked up to her growing up. She truly is my original best friend and she made sure we had quality time together when she did manage to come home for some weekends and holidays, and that included meals together.
I suppose this is the root of my strong desire to make sure Scott associates meal times with good times with the family. Perhaps I want him to grow up in a house where family meals is the normalcy and a chance to tell each other how our days went. I never really imagined myself to become a parent but when I was younger I told myself that if I ever did become one, I will make sure that my child gets the things I never had. This is one of those things.
My brothers and sister all lived in boarding houses in Manila and later on went to university and I hardly ever saw them. I have no memory of my parents eating together either, let alone of them eating with me. Sometimes when my brother came home for the weekend from Univ, we did eat together but he always read a book whilst eating and he did not like to be talked to when he is reading - which was all the time. On the other hand i remember eating with my sister when she came home for the weekend from University which wasn't often at all but when she was around we made the most of it. My sister is ace and I looked up to her growing up. She truly is my original best friend and she made sure we had quality time together when she did manage to come home for some weekends and holidays, and that included meals together.
I suppose this is the root of my strong desire to make sure Scott associates meal times with good times with the family. Perhaps I want him to grow up in a house where family meals is the normalcy and a chance to tell each other how our days went. I never really imagined myself to become a parent but when I was younger I told myself that if I ever did become one, I will make sure that my child gets the things I never had. This is one of those things.
I Keep The Past In My Pocket
It's funny that people say you should leave the past exactly where it is - behind you. For me though, when I feel at a loss in the present all I have to do is look to the past and I find my answers there to better face the future.
I draw strength from my past, too.
For all that I've been through and every struggle I faced and all the stupid things I dared taking on, I am who I am today because of my past. I take the lessons learned and leave the broken pieces behind. Yes, a filter works damn well. It's not a sign of weakness when you can't let go of your past, but for me it's my way of reminding myself that I got this far in life because I was strong enough to win my past battles. Nostalgia is indeed a good treatment for a broken heart. I highly recommend it. xXx
I draw strength from my past, too.
For all that I've been through and every struggle I faced and all the stupid things I dared taking on, I am who I am today because of my past. I take the lessons learned and leave the broken pieces behind. Yes, a filter works damn well. It's not a sign of weakness when you can't let go of your past, but for me it's my way of reminding myself that I got this far in life because I was strong enough to win my past battles. Nostalgia is indeed a good treatment for a broken heart. I highly recommend it. xXx
10 November 2012
18 October 2012
28th
It's my first birthday as a mum and as much of a cliche as it may sound, my little boy's kiss is the best birthday present I have received this year. There is nothing that could ever compare to feel my baby's lips against my face and feel him breathing against my skin. Every single breath he takes is a miracle from God and is all the birthday present that I need.
But a bit before 7am on the day, I received a text message from an old friend. That he remembered was touching and that he texted me first thing in the morning felt incredibly touching! I have always believed that if you are in someone's thoughts first thing in the morning, you have some sort of importance in their life. I have very few people that I consider friends that is why every single one of them is massively important to me. I only keep the most precious ones, the ones that I can't live without. A billion active FB users and the one person I really wish was there doesn't do FB! Thank God for text messaging!
And thank God for friends like you. xXx
But a bit before 7am on the day, I received a text message from an old friend. That he remembered was touching and that he texted me first thing in the morning felt incredibly touching! I have always believed that if you are in someone's thoughts first thing in the morning, you have some sort of importance in their life. I have very few people that I consider friends that is why every single one of them is massively important to me. I only keep the most precious ones, the ones that I can't live without. A billion active FB users and the one person I really wish was there doesn't do FB! Thank God for text messaging!
And thank God for friends like you. xXx
24 September 2012
18 September 2012
Late Night Thoughts
How do you make that transition from One Great Love to Friends without becoming strangers? I wish I knew.
-----------------------
When people judge you so harshly because of a terrible mistake you've made, you wonder if there is any point explaining yourself.
------------------------
I've been told on many occasions that my face is such an open book. Have they thought about who controls which pages to show though? I wonder.
------------------------
The only problem with having you around is that I miss you when you're not.
-----------------------
When people judge you so harshly because of a terrible mistake you've made, you wonder if there is any point explaining yourself.
------------------------
I've been told on many occasions that my face is such an open book. Have they thought about who controls which pages to show though? I wonder.
------------------------
The only problem with having you around is that I miss you when you're not.
15 September 2012
When Wife Meets The Wanna-be Other Woman
There can't be a shortage of men in Chesterfield!
I suppose it's not unlikely to grow fond of someone you work with and that's OK if that someone is NOT married.
Yesterday, I took my mother and my son to the restaurant pub where James works. I made sure the woman in question worked that day. I also made sure I looked good, of course :) I came there with no intention of showing any indication of what I suspect and what I already know.
She acted weird from the second she saw me. I was a good 2ft away from where she stood when she saw and recognised me instantly. I asked for James and she couldn't wait to get away to get him. Personally I only ever acted like that when my boss caught me texting at work! And from there she just kept avoiding to meet my eyes -- even when she asked if I would like ice with my drink! She kept looking down and hiding behind one of the other staff there. 10 months ago when we first met, she was so jolly and friendly to me and Scott. Yesterday, she was a completely different person. Her behaviour around me said it all.
I'm absolutely certain that there isn't a shortage of men in Chesterfield. I don't understand why people lower themselves to such a degree in pursuit of a married person. I cannot speak for other people but in my situation, it had actually brought me and my husband closer. The stresses of his recent promotion at work had gotten to him and the stress of being a new mother had gotten to me, plus a few other things in between. When James put his arm around me at the carvery deck which is situated next to the bar where she stood, she left and went to the far side of the room. As I subtly watched her go I wondered what I was so worried about. She poses no threat to me. She is a thousand leagues below average in the looks department and she is quite on the curvy side. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but James has a strict taste for petite and slender brunettes. I know it is not all about the looks but I'm not going to lie... It helps that she looked 10 years older than me!
If I'm being completely honest, I would say I am quite a tough act to follow. James will never find anyone who will understand and put up with his one major flaw that only the two of us (and possibly his family and my mum) really know and acknowledge. He, out of all people, realises this. But he is such a nice person that it is easy to mistaken his niceness for affection. We've mended the tattered edges now and he's been trying so hard that it is hard not to forgive him - again. He's forgiven my misgivings so why can't I do him the same favour? As long as a person is trying to make amends, then he or she deserves a chance.
If the woman in question does not stop texting, calling and asking him stupid favours I will still let him deal with her. I will never stoop to her level and confront her. High road all the way.
(this pic was taken on the very day the events in this blogpost took place)
I suppose it's not unlikely to grow fond of someone you work with and that's OK if that someone is NOT married.
Yesterday, I took my mother and my son to the restaurant pub where James works. I made sure the woman in question worked that day. I also made sure I looked good, of course :) I came there with no intention of showing any indication of what I suspect and what I already know.
She acted weird from the second she saw me. I was a good 2ft away from where she stood when she saw and recognised me instantly. I asked for James and she couldn't wait to get away to get him. Personally I only ever acted like that when my boss caught me texting at work! And from there she just kept avoiding to meet my eyes -- even when she asked if I would like ice with my drink! She kept looking down and hiding behind one of the other staff there. 10 months ago when we first met, she was so jolly and friendly to me and Scott. Yesterday, she was a completely different person. Her behaviour around me said it all.
I'm absolutely certain that there isn't a shortage of men in Chesterfield. I don't understand why people lower themselves to such a degree in pursuit of a married person. I cannot speak for other people but in my situation, it had actually brought me and my husband closer. The stresses of his recent promotion at work had gotten to him and the stress of being a new mother had gotten to me, plus a few other things in between. When James put his arm around me at the carvery deck which is situated next to the bar where she stood, she left and went to the far side of the room. As I subtly watched her go I wondered what I was so worried about. She poses no threat to me. She is a thousand leagues below average in the looks department and she is quite on the curvy side. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but James has a strict taste for petite and slender brunettes. I know it is not all about the looks but I'm not going to lie... It helps that she looked 10 years older than me!
If I'm being completely honest, I would say I am quite a tough act to follow. James will never find anyone who will understand and put up with his one major flaw that only the two of us (and possibly his family and my mum) really know and acknowledge. He, out of all people, realises this. But he is such a nice person that it is easy to mistaken his niceness for affection. We've mended the tattered edges now and he's been trying so hard that it is hard not to forgive him - again. He's forgiven my misgivings so why can't I do him the same favour? As long as a person is trying to make amends, then he or she deserves a chance.
If the woman in question does not stop texting, calling and asking him stupid favours I will still let him deal with her. I will never stoop to her level and confront her. High road all the way.
(this pic was taken on the very day the events in this blogpost took place)
13 September 2012
He Called Me 'Babe'
Eight years ago you told me that we can NEVER be friends, you said it is impossible for you to be just friends with me. You said that what stopped you from coming to see me 8 thousand miles away is the realisation that 'I will never do for you what you are willing to do for me'. "you're too good to be true, and I was right" was how you ended one of our late-night conversations. You have said the harshest words to me and most hurtful at the time you uttered them but you also said the sweetest and most encouraging words I've ever heard, and possibly will ever hear again.
But words are wind. Your actions spoke volumes though. I still hear you singing to me over the telephone whilst you played your guitar. Save for the sound of my son's voice, it is the sweetest sound I've ever heard. I remember when you struggled to get out of bed at a half-past seven in the morning just to log onto MSN and show me how beautifully the snow was falling outside your bedroom window. You made a mental note of how I longed to play in the snow. You said that was the next best thing and you wanted to share all the beautiful things with me -- that it makes you feel like I am there with you.
I remember everything. The good and the bad, the better and the worse, the best and the worst. I remember the best most of all though simply because there were more of those to recall.
You didn't choose me when you had the chance and I didn't choose you when I had the chance to. Eight long years have passed and now we are friends. I sincerely hope you were wrong when you said we can never be friends because having you around makes me feel brave and strong --stronger than I truly am.
Someone else is loving you now, you probably call her babe. I am happy for you, from the bottom of my heart. I hope she never does anything that will deeply hurt you. But that doesn't mean I will stop remembering. I will always remember. You used to call me 'babe'
I used to call you 'mine'.
But words are wind. Your actions spoke volumes though. I still hear you singing to me over the telephone whilst you played your guitar. Save for the sound of my son's voice, it is the sweetest sound I've ever heard. I remember when you struggled to get out of bed at a half-past seven in the morning just to log onto MSN and show me how beautifully the snow was falling outside your bedroom window. You made a mental note of how I longed to play in the snow. You said that was the next best thing and you wanted to share all the beautiful things with me -- that it makes you feel like I am there with you.
I remember everything. The good and the bad, the better and the worse, the best and the worst. I remember the best most of all though simply because there were more of those to recall.
You didn't choose me when you had the chance and I didn't choose you when I had the chance to. Eight long years have passed and now we are friends. I sincerely hope you were wrong when you said we can never be friends because having you around makes me feel brave and strong --stronger than I truly am.
Someone else is loving you now, you probably call her babe. I am happy for you, from the bottom of my heart. I hope she never does anything that will deeply hurt you. But that doesn't mean I will stop remembering. I will always remember. You used to call me 'babe'
I used to call you 'mine'.
12 September 2012
Just Another Random Poem
When I can say everything's fine, everything's Ok
That will be the day
I will tell you my secrets, what's really inside my heart
And how you have unknowingly broken it apart
When I'm over this dark spell
When the clouds have lifted from my sky
Perhaps then I will tell you it was you who helped me restore my pride
In my darkest hours you made me smile and kept pain at bay
You held my heart in your hands, kept it safe
So it will take forever, a lifetime and a lot of time
For me to realise that you never really were a friend of mine.
01/09/12
20:07/by Foxy
That will be the day
I will tell you my secrets, what's really inside my heart
And how you have unknowingly broken it apart
When I'm over this dark spell
When the clouds have lifted from my sky
Perhaps then I will tell you it was you who helped me restore my pride
In my darkest hours you made me smile and kept pain at bay
You held my heart in your hands, kept it safe
So it will take forever, a lifetime and a lot of time
For me to realise that you never really were a friend of mine.
01/09/12
20:07/by Foxy
Unrequited Love
If you're crying now you've got no one to blame
Only yourself and look you're not even ashamed
Your heart is breaking but you broke it yourself, yes you did
When you let him get too close and fell just as you feared.
His smile is now engraved in every little piece of your broken heart
You close your eyes and feel his lips pressed against your own
Forgetting is not easy but you know you should be smart
He will never love you back and that you've always known.
He doesn't even know how you feel nor would he care
You were just a passing fancy, a curious wager
You should not be in such despair, that's just not fair
Somebody promises to love you forever and you're chasing after an empty love affair.
Look at you standing in the rain, drenched in sorrow
You're smiling but your eyes are lonely and hollow
For all the pride that you so freely swallowed
Your love will still be unrequited come the morrow.
12/09/12
19:55/by Foxy
Only yourself and look you're not even ashamed
Your heart is breaking but you broke it yourself, yes you did
When you let him get too close and fell just as you feared.
His smile is now engraved in every little piece of your broken heart
You close your eyes and feel his lips pressed against your own
Forgetting is not easy but you know you should be smart
He will never love you back and that you've always known.
He doesn't even know how you feel nor would he care
You were just a passing fancy, a curious wager
You should not be in such despair, that's just not fair
Somebody promises to love you forever and you're chasing after an empty love affair.
Look at you standing in the rain, drenched in sorrow
You're smiling but your eyes are lonely and hollow
For all the pride that you so freely swallowed
Your love will still be unrequited come the morrow.
12/09/12
19:55/by Foxy
30 August 2012
Falling out with Facebook
Today I decided to deactivate my FB account. I contemplated deleting it but I've spent so much time on it for the past four years and made wee memories there with my friends, real and virtual alike, as terribly sad as that sounds. Besides, I have quite a lot of photos there that I haven't backup'd yet so I'm afraid I am not ready to part ways with FB permanently just yet.
I don't really know what suddenly made me do it but it sure feels liberating! Perhaps it's the wanting to know who actually notices, if any at all save my mother. Perhaps it's simply boredom. It could even be for no reason at all! Maybe not. I never really do anything without a reason. Oftentimes it's something silly, other times plain stupid, but a reason nevertheless.
Maybe I've realised how much time I spend on it since FB mobile is quite handy when my son takes his day nap in my arms. Maybe I want to do something more worthy of my time, like blog which I haven't been doing much as of late. Or I could read more books without FB notifications interrupting me. I could even spend the time talking and singing to my son since he enjoys being talked to a lot more now that he can babble back at me. I could spend it petting Taz more, too. Indeed there is a hundred things more worth somebody's time than FB or any social networking website. But I think I'm taking a break from it because I am such a frank and transparent person that I may not be able to keep myself from posting my real feelings on there. If there is anything I hate the most, that is people who whine, moan, complain and slag people off on Facebook. Somehow they have it in their head that it's their God-given right to have snide digs at people who aren't even on their friends list. I always believed that people who don't have the balls pick fights on FB because really, if you have half the balls of a lone sewer rat you'd talk to the person face-to-face or message them privately. Facebook is simply not the place to hung ones dirty laundry for everyone to gawk and gossip about whilst they dry.
I am in a bit of a vulnerable situation just at the moment and that status update bar is really tempting sometimes. I can see why people do it but that doesn't mean I'm prepared to stoop to such level. I suppose deactivating it is a good idea. If I am to make a list of pros and cons there won't be much contest between the two People who are truly bothered about me know my email and mobile number and likewise for the people I'm truly bothered with.
I will certainly be back but I will hold out as long as possible and who knows, by some miracle, I might leave it for good. I don't really know.
At this point I am in a box that says FRAGILE. Writing will see me through. And of course, my little angel on Earth. xXx
I don't really know what suddenly made me do it but it sure feels liberating! Perhaps it's the wanting to know who actually notices, if any at all save my mother. Perhaps it's simply boredom. It could even be for no reason at all! Maybe not. I never really do anything without a reason. Oftentimes it's something silly, other times plain stupid, but a reason nevertheless.
Maybe I've realised how much time I spend on it since FB mobile is quite handy when my son takes his day nap in my arms. Maybe I want to do something more worthy of my time, like blog which I haven't been doing much as of late. Or I could read more books without FB notifications interrupting me. I could even spend the time talking and singing to my son since he enjoys being talked to a lot more now that he can babble back at me. I could spend it petting Taz more, too. Indeed there is a hundred things more worth somebody's time than FB or any social networking website. But I think I'm taking a break from it because I am such a frank and transparent person that I may not be able to keep myself from posting my real feelings on there. If there is anything I hate the most, that is people who whine, moan, complain and slag people off on Facebook. Somehow they have it in their head that it's their God-given right to have snide digs at people who aren't even on their friends list. I always believed that people who don't have the balls pick fights on FB because really, if you have half the balls of a lone sewer rat you'd talk to the person face-to-face or message them privately. Facebook is simply not the place to hung ones dirty laundry for everyone to gawk and gossip about whilst they dry.
I am in a bit of a vulnerable situation just at the moment and that status update bar is really tempting sometimes. I can see why people do it but that doesn't mean I'm prepared to stoop to such level. I suppose deactivating it is a good idea. If I am to make a list of pros and cons there won't be much contest between the two People who are truly bothered about me know my email and mobile number and likewise for the people I'm truly bothered with.
I will certainly be back but I will hold out as long as possible and who knows, by some miracle, I might leave it for good. I don't really know.
At this point I am in a box that says FRAGILE. Writing will see me through. And of course, my little angel on Earth. xXx
14 July 2012
A Mother's Fear Realised
I have never been a superstitious person and I never will be. But yesterday, it was a Friday the 13th, and something happened that will always make me paranoid every 13th of the month that falls on a Friday.
I gave my son a slice of soft pear and he started choking on it. Yes he was choking big style. He could not breathe and he was gagging and his face was starting to turn a different colour as he struggled to get air. I managed to hook out bits of the fruit from down his throat with my index finger and I think from that point on he was actually fine as he started crying out of distress. But I wasn't out of distress myself. I was panicking that my husband could not hear the person he was speaking with on 999. The first response paramedic came no later than five minutes after we rang but to a mother those five minutes seemed like an eternity. My son was still coughing and crying and I was still panicking. When the paramedic got in he had a listen to Scott's breathing (through a stethoscope) and he said that he seems fine. The fact that he is crying is a good sign because that means he can breathe. Another couple of minutes and the ambulance got there and we took Scott to the hospital so that a consultant can check if any piece of the fruit got to his lungs. A couple of hours later he was cleared and we took him home.
This incident is a wake up call for me. These past few months I have had things in my mind and then there's me getting ill for nearly three weeks and having a relapse afterward. My mind has been burdened with so much stressful thoughts and life changing decisions hanging in the balance, waiting to be made and dealt with. I just feel that I've lost myself since coming to England and I am ready to find her again. But last night's horrifying experience made me realise that the things in my mind are not as important as I thought. The most important thing in the world is my son and his health and his safety. I am a mother. In several years time my son is going to leave the nest and will have a life of his own. I will have plenty of time for myself then. The most important thing that is worth thinking about is making sure my son grows up to be a kind, sensitive and empathetic person. God entrusted him to me and I shall not fail just because I am busy finding myself or the path I ought to take. It is my son's turn now and if I can't pave the path he needs to take when he is older, I shall help him decide which one is the right one.
Last night made me realise that so long as my son is breathing and his tiny heart is beating, nothing could go wrong enough in my life that could make me think less of myself or put me down - or scare me to death!
I gave my son a slice of soft pear and he started choking on it. Yes he was choking big style. He could not breathe and he was gagging and his face was starting to turn a different colour as he struggled to get air. I managed to hook out bits of the fruit from down his throat with my index finger and I think from that point on he was actually fine as he started crying out of distress. But I wasn't out of distress myself. I was panicking that my husband could not hear the person he was speaking with on 999. The first response paramedic came no later than five minutes after we rang but to a mother those five minutes seemed like an eternity. My son was still coughing and crying and I was still panicking. When the paramedic got in he had a listen to Scott's breathing (through a stethoscope) and he said that he seems fine. The fact that he is crying is a good sign because that means he can breathe. Another couple of minutes and the ambulance got there and we took Scott to the hospital so that a consultant can check if any piece of the fruit got to his lungs. A couple of hours later he was cleared and we took him home.
This incident is a wake up call for me. These past few months I have had things in my mind and then there's me getting ill for nearly three weeks and having a relapse afterward. My mind has been burdened with so much stressful thoughts and life changing decisions hanging in the balance, waiting to be made and dealt with. I just feel that I've lost myself since coming to England and I am ready to find her again. But last night's horrifying experience made me realise that the things in my mind are not as important as I thought. The most important thing in the world is my son and his health and his safety. I am a mother. In several years time my son is going to leave the nest and will have a life of his own. I will have plenty of time for myself then. The most important thing that is worth thinking about is making sure my son grows up to be a kind, sensitive and empathetic person. God entrusted him to me and I shall not fail just because I am busy finding myself or the path I ought to take. It is my son's turn now and if I can't pave the path he needs to take when he is older, I shall help him decide which one is the right one.
Last night made me realise that so long as my son is breathing and his tiny heart is beating, nothing could go wrong enough in my life that could make me think less of myself or put me down - or scare me to death!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
