25.09.09
1120HRS / Vei

I will let you down
This time I will take a chance
I will lay you down
And let you get back up on your own
I will let you cry
This time I won’t wipe your tears
I will not be too close
And I won’t stop you from shaking
I will leave you at the door
This time I won’t offer you a shelter
I will let the rain soak into your skin
I will take my chance this time.
I will not breathe life into you
This time I will let you breathe on your own
Yes I will let you down
Because tomorrow I may not be around
I will not do it gently
I will make sure you are strong enough on your own
And if you struggle to stay up
I will not be there so don't look around
I will not tell you I love you
I will not respond when you say it to me
But my child I have not abandoned you
I will let you down because I have faith in your heart
I've felt it beat next to mine
I have faith that even if you can't hear my words
That your heart understands
I know... because I live there now.

Good Mourning

After months of agonising wait, the day has finally arrived!
Last night Grey's Anatomy Season 6 has aired. And thanks to the internet I need not wait for months, possibly years, before they show it on free TV.

The S6 premiere is 2-hour long and I want it to go very slowly because I love this show so much! I have seen the promo videos for the first five minutes of it a couple of days ago and this morning I get to watch the rest of it.

So I will update this entry as soon as I am done watching it xx

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Grief may be the a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on every one. It is not just death we have to grief; it is life, it's loss, it's change. And if you wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing you gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
When it hurts so much that you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
By remembering that one day, somehow impossibly you won't feel this way. It wont hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way so the best we can do - best anyone can do - is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you cant control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes and let it go when we can. The very worst part is that when you think you're past it it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. they look different in all of us but there are always five. DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION, ACCEPTANCE. - Grey's Anatomy, Season 6 - Ep 1.

HIT THE PLAY BUTTON TO LISTEN TO EMILIA TORTINI'S AMAZING SONG CALLED "TODAY HAS BEEN OK" AND TYRONE WELLS' "SINK OR SWIM".

MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

Karma

This is one of the favourite words simply because I believe strongly in its meaning. According to a website:

Karma is simply the process of cause and effect. If you do A, B will happen. If you plant tomato seeds, and water and look after them, tomatoes will grow.

whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap St Paul, Galatians 6-7

Before we are born in this world we decide, while still in the realms of Spirit and along with our higher guides, the lessons we shall pursue here. Spirit helps us pursue these lessons by creating the conditions necessary for us to receive our chosen experience.

There is once a woman who is well too proud of herself, in fact more than she should be who told her sister and mother that they are dead to her. Her mother who gave her life and made sure she never went hungry or cold and her sister who made a lot of sacrfices to make sure she never hit rock bottom alone. If it took a lot of money it was never a problem. Until the day she told her sister she owes no gratitude to her as most of the help she gave was financial. Never mind that her sister would rather spend the money so that her electricity won't be cut off. Nevermind that her sister would rather spend the money to buy her new pair of shoes because she couldn't lump seeing her swollen sole rubbing on her very worn pair of shoes she wore every day to work. Never mind the many times that the same sister have her the last money in her purse to make sure they did not miss their monthly rent. Apparently to her it was just money. Money she couldn't afford to pay back!
Weeks after she told those hateful words to her mother and sister she found out she was carrying dead twins outside her womb. I wasn't sorry for her. Not at all. In fact I gloat over the news for weeks. How KARMA strikes and when it does it strikes hard indeed. I thought to myself - the twins represented the dead mother and the dead sister.

That is why I love this word - it makes me the person I am now and have always been. I believe if you are aware of this word you tend to be more careful of the bad things you say and do and less aware of the good things you do to others. Sabi nga nila, kung ano ang tinanim s'yang aanihin. God has blessed me with so much through the years and I believe it is because I have always shared them with the people around me. Dreams, love, time and money is what he blessed me most with and these are what I share. I don't get my prayers answered every time, but He gives me the things I need the most in front of the things I want. I'm no saint so I am sure one day I will get my Karma too. But I think I have planted many good seeds and will continue to do more so when my karma comes for the bad things I have done, I will have the people who loves me to see me through the bumpy road.

For you, a thousand times over...

A good friend in WOW had told me about a novel by Khaled Hosseini called "A Thousand Splendid Suns". He was so passionate about the book that the following week I went to the Library in town and looked for the book. Unfortunately it wasn't available at the time which made me pretty disappointed because I read some really impressive reviews on it. Not to mention a recommedation from someone who likes his books.

A couple of weeks ago my husband came home from work bringing me a cheese sandwich from Gregg's which has been a habit for a whole month. The reason being it's the only thing that I manage to keep down in my stomach. But that particular day, he also brought a book for me to read with my sandwich.

I was so ill I could not take the book in so it lived in the bedside drawer for the next couple of weeks until it was time for me to go to the hospital for a little procedure. The next time I saw the book was on 21st of September when James told me he packed the book with other stuff I needed for my little stay at the hospital.

The book is called The Kite Runner written by the same author as "A Thousand Splendid Suns", Khaled Hosseini. By the time I was on the last 15 pages, it was time to go home. James collected me from work and I read the rest of it when I was comfy in bed. I was told that this book is heartwrenching and one reading it should be prepared to have a good cry. But the only time I came close to crying was when Amir tried to ignore his guilt by telling Hassan to go away and stop bothering him again. I have a soft spot for underdogs and I felt truly empathetic with Hassan. Was I disappointed that i didn't have a good cry? No. This book gave me hope that maybe there are Muslims out there like Amir's father. |Here is an excerpt from the book, my favourite part:

"Now, no matter what the mullah teaches, there is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft... When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness... There is no act more wretched than stealing, Amir."

It was definitely a well worthwhile read. I love first person story telling style. If I ever write my own book it will be in the first person too - which is highly doubtful because I heard it is more difficult to write a good book in that style. Ah well, I'll stick to first person blogging for now =)

Today and Now (poem)

Today and Now
by Vivien Allen, 23.09.09

We’re always looking forward to tomorrow
Taking for granted the now and today
We spend too much time worrying about the sorrow
Crying for the people who leave but never for those who stay.

We’re always thinking ahead of time
Forgetting the life we are given today and now
We always think too hard to try and make the words rhyme
But we forget the people who try to make our life worthwhile.

We live our lives with our eyes always focused forward
We never bother to look back
But if we do and we see the tracks we left behind
We’ll see the beauty that we missed, the shadows of today and now.

And I see the footprints that tried to catch up with me
It is fading quicker than I could take it in
These footprints are not mine but of someone who’s always been with me
I wish I knew who they belong to, but I walked too far now to see.

This made me feel a whole lot better today

this is how boring I am to talk to, look Poppy fell asleep watching my sickly face on MSN haha

I've been feeling unwell for about three weeks now and it sucks. But looking on the bright side it has gotten a lot better and I can see the light at the end of this stupid tunnel I got stuck in! It's nearly the end of summer now and I'm not looking forward to the cold again but I am looking forward to the falling leaves and I simply love the colours of Autumn.

Songs of Yesterday are the treasure of my Today.

I can think of a lot of things that I can't live without but I think that music is one of the best gift given to us to better cope with life.
Listening to music is one of the things that relaxes me and help me take my mind off things that I shouldn't even be thinking of - and oftentimes it makes me think of the things that I should be.

Certain songs brings back certain memories. "I Will Survive" reminds me of my mother because she listens to ten different versions of this song every day, without fail. "What's Up" reminds me of my brother and his amazing guitar skills. When he'd come home in the weekends, he'd bring along his guitar and play some songs and I'd sing along to it. I didn't realise it then but that was one of the most fun memories I had when I was young. See my eldest brother is not one to openly express his affection but looking back now he did really well with me.
"Forevermore" will only ever remind me of my sister. When the song came out she was one of the first one to get the audio tape of Side A. Unfortunately for me, we shared the same bedroom and the audio cassette only contained two songs. Forevermore on Side 1 and Tell Me on Side 2. She didn't like Tell Me much so the radio was forevermore stuck on Side 1. It's funny now thinking about it but it wasn't much fun then! It was worth enduring that in exchange for sharing a room with her, it helped us become really close sisters.
"Destiny" reminds me of my best friend Sarah because we always sang this duet when we do Karaoke. She always tells me to sing the female bit so if there is anyone who'd struggle with the high notes and embarass herself it's me. I didn't mind, I tried my best and it was really fun. We always sang this song just before we close the karaoke bar we used to work in at Clarkton Hotel.
Then there is the song "Sunshine" which I dedicated to a total stranger I was completely infatuated to. It was the first time I thought I could be in love! I was 15, what did I know really? But it's also the point in time when I discovered and appreciate my talent in writing poems. It's the best thing a broken heart has ever yielded - for me anyhow.
"Do You Miss Me" and "Boom Boom Boom (Boom? - by Vengaboys)" will always remind me that I was a good dancer! I always wanted to dance but I thought it was just because I have so much fun when I dance in front of an audience. I started being a cheerleader in 4th Grade and when I was in Sophomore High School I was chosen to be the Lead Cheerleader and won an award to the tune of the Venga Boys song :p The morning of the competition is forever etched in my memory - my mum was up and so is my sister, she was getting ready for work but she got up early to help me braid my hair. The song Do You Miss Me by Jocelyn Enriquez was the song they played at the audition for the Official Dance Group in my High School and I was lost in a big school as a freshman and honestly didn't think I'd get in but I was one of the 7 successful auditionees out of the 109 that tried out. "The Child Inside" is memorable for two events in my life - one utterly embarrassing but fun, and the other a proud moment for me! On the annual QuizBee which was held in the auditorium of the University, they needed an intermission number before the winning school was announced and I was chosen to perform amongst the officers and seniors of the High School Department's Dance Club. It was like a dream come true for a fresher like me. We danced to Child Inside and Ecuador. Ahh the good times.
Let me tell you the embarrassing bit now as I'm sure you're dying to know! Well when I was working in Picture City as a sales assistant an agent for a National TV Network approached me and asked me if I wanted to join the beauty contest on a noontime show. At first I thought he was taking the piss but he came back about 10 times trying to get me to say yes. He even got my mobile number somehow and I think I asked my mum to answer my phone for me once to cover up haha But then three of my work colleagues thought we've had enough of our store manager's nasty attitude so we thought it would be fun to not go to work - all three of us. So the next time Larry rang I said yes I'll join but I won't win because I am only doing this for kicks. He probably thought I just didn't want to be embarrassed but he didn't know me. One of the my workmates backed out on the last minute, she decided she needed the job. We all did to be honest, I guess the three of us were just more bored than her. So we went to Manila and I too almost backed out at the last minute. I was 16, ok? Back then I didn't wear high heeled shoes so needless to say I didn't own any. Larry borrowed me a pair from somewhere which were like 2 sizes bigger and impossible to walk in! Everything was wrong that day - the contest was for ladies aged 17-25 and at least 5'3. I was 16 and 5'2, probably even an inch shorter back then lol
I didn't prepare for my talent and certainly didn't practice dancing in 4-inch high shoes and two sizes bigger. So what did I do? I took them off. Before the show this gay make up person kept telling me I shouln't take my shoes off when I dance because I will definitely lose. He says I should stay poised and maintain my bold star aura, the only thing that kept me from whacking him with a stick was that he was actually concerned. He wasn't a make up artist there but he was a contestant in another segment. He had said I resembled Joyce Jimenez but I highly doubt that after he painted my face :p Heavy make up and me just don't mix well together. So the interview went well I wasn't nervous at all I was laughing with my mates who were in the audience. When the presenters asked me what I am going to do for talent portion I said I was going to dance but I need to take my shoes off. They were like "honey are you sure?". YES I am sure. So I did exactly that. Needless to say I lost. What was I thinking, I was on national television on a program that 50% of the jobless population of the Philippines (which is a LOT mind you) watch on a daily basis. But I won't change it for the world. It was really a fun-NY experience and I got to forge an even tighter bond with two of my friends. We got to go to the studio to watch a popular noontime show in the Philippines and travel to Manila back and forth together which was such a great experience. I forgot what I did with the 5,000 consolation prize. Probably spent it on a pair of shoes which are actually my size :)

"Behind These Hazel Eyes" remind me of the time I thought James and I were over. But it was a turning point for us where we both realised just how much we mean to each other.
"Slide" is a song that reminds me of Gareth and how a guy who has such a tough and proud exterior can be so sweet to play his guitar over an overseas phone call and sing me a lovely song.
"Flowers" will always remind me of how cheeky I could be entering a disco house at only 15! It was playing when I got in for the first time haha.

Songs are somewhat like photographs. They preserve memories so precious they help us cope with the future. Memories of the past are indeed the treasure of the future.