Grey's Anatomy Season 6 Ep2

Paranoia . We're all susceptible to it - the dreadenings idea of not knowing what's coming. It's pointless in the end. All the worrying and all the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do... stop worrying.
You need to stop worrying about what's going to happen, you need to focus on what is right in front of you.
"Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are.

This is my worry-free self yesterday! @Sainsbury's for food shopping <3 ...

...and my favourite part of any house where I forget all my worries! (cooking last night's tea: bacon and parsley salad in olive oil , lemon and balsamic drizzle for starters served with grilled garlic french bread with melted mozzarella cheese , roasted chicken stuffed with cream cheese and basil wrapped in parma ham for main served with champ and boiled carrots and mange tout, and apple charlotte for pud.)

Farewell WOW?

This started my annoyance on playing WOW.

So I played less and less even after Blizz sorted the instance server issue. When I started getting ill, I left my brother's guild because I did not intend to raid anymore. It's not fun anymore. But I know James has not gone off WOW yet, and he has very few hobbies so I understand. He needs a form of relaxation because he works long hours most days and he never once complained about anything. So I thought I'd get him to a semi-hardcore guild, formed by the core members of our old guild that we were in a couple of years ago. I made an application on the website of Main Source of DPS whilst James was at work and didn't tell him until he got accepted. I was really happy to see him breeze 25man raids, and he's also doing 10 and 25heroics modes now. 40k HP unbufffed with skills to match, he's well chuffed.

A few days ago I thought I'd log on my hunter to do VoA25 and see how it goes. I wanted to know if I have really gone off it. I thought I'd be well behind on the damage meters since my gear item lvl is really behind now but I was surprised I still did well.

Nothing changed though. Four years of playing WOW with two years of it being so easy with all its challenges lost, doing VoA did not change anything. I have nothing to prove in WOW anymore and lots to prove IRL. I'm not saying goodbye but perhaps I will play again - perhaps not. We'll see. I will keep you posted.

Wickedmaniak is my Guild Master 3 odd years ago

Bad things lead to GOOD realisation.

You’d think that after a year of crying because of extreme homesickness - being away from friends, family and my beloved pets - that I have run out of tears. That’s what I thought. But when I got ill for a whole month, I cried some more. But I didn’t cry as much because James looked after me like a dedicated NHS nurse. I thought that must be me running out of tears,
Until Friday, 25th of September.

I was chuffed Friday morning, so, so incredibly happy and excited. The previous night James had booked the hotel that we are staying at in London. After my many trips to the doctors and hospital which resulted to me conquering my fear of needles and injections another good thing happened to me. I realised I should live my life. I’ve been blessed with a lot of my prayers answered and what am I doing wasting it? So I thought London is practically next door to me now (for 22 years it’s been 8,000 miles away) and I always admired video clips and photos of it. I think it is a magical place. And what am I doing still admiring it from here? I live a 2 minute-walk from the train station! The following day after I got out of the hospital I searched for cheap hotels as I think there is no point staying at a posh hotel when all we need is a bed and bathroom. I’m not going to London to waste time in a hotel room. And then I browsed through train tickets, The Eye tickets, open bus tour tickets and everything ticket we will need. I have listed places that I wanted to see and had to narrow it down to fit in the 3 nights we are spending there. I left some low priority places to give us enough time to properly take London in as well as to give us incentive to go back again.
So you see, I was so chuffed that I finally organised our ‘Little London Tour’.
But on Friday morning all that changed.
At first it didn’t bother me so much seeing on BBS news that Manila is flooded. It always floods in Manila. But something was unusual - the village where my brother lives with his wife and 6 year-old son was mentioned on the telly. I quickly logged on the Filipino Community website where I watch TV Patrol (and other Philippine programmes) regularly.
I have never worried about my brother before. He’s always looked after himself. But when I found out that their house is underwater and is staying at the safety of their neighbour’s two-storey house I got really worried. It is so different watching the floods when you know your loved ones may be on one of the rooftops waving white cloth hoping to be rescued. I suddenly felt guilty that whilst I was filled with joy over the London holiday, my brother was suffering. The news that they are safe and that the flood has subsided a wee bit somehow lessened my pain. But to find out on Monday morning that they’ve lost most of their stuff to the flood still devastated me. The important thing is that they are all safe.

On Sunday morning James and I left our flat early to go to his parents’ house to see them. They were out on a walk so whilst we wait, I made them some soured apple pie streusels and special fruit scones. That is the first time me and James went to visit them together since moving to our flat. Maddie has visited us like 20 times since leaving 184.

On Monday morning I got a call from Maddie saying she wants to pay for my driving lessons and the cost of provisional driving licence. I tried to refuse but she said she already wired money to our account. She’s quite pleased to know that I wanted to learn to drive since James is not bothered about it just at the moment.
After our 5 minute convo that is when I found out about my brother losing everything. I didn’t know what to feel then. I had things to be very happy about - I am feeling a lot better after a month of being almost bedridden; I have a trip to London booked and I am learning to drive - but I felt guilty to feel happy because of my brother’s situation.
That night, I got a text from Maddie asking if my mum and family are OK. I replied to her saying mum’s OK brother is not as his village is one of the worst hit areas.
Immediately she offered to help and immediately I refused. I just felt like she has done too much already. But Maddie really has a generous heart, she’s always been involved in various charities. So in the end she said she intends to help whether I agree or not.
It was very likely but unexpected. Once again I felt really lucky to still be surrounded by kind and caring people. She said ‘they are my extended family and if we could help, we’d love to’. The following day we had £300 in our bank account to send to my brother. And she sent me a text that read: “scones for payment please xx”.
This is real blessing - it is not the money but the thought. The first thing she said to James when they spoke about helping my brother was that ‘I can’t even imagine his 6 year old son lost all his toys’. I must have done something right in my life.

25.09.09
1120HRS / Vei

I will let you down
This time I will take a chance
I will lay you down
And let you get back up on your own
I will let you cry
This time I won’t wipe your tears
I will not be too close
And I won’t stop you from shaking
I will leave you at the door
This time I won’t offer you a shelter
I will let the rain soak into your skin
I will take my chance this time.
I will not breathe life into you
This time I will let you breathe on your own
Yes I will let you down
Because tomorrow I may not be around
I will not do it gently
I will make sure you are strong enough on your own
And if you struggle to stay up
I will not be there so don't look around
I will not tell you I love you
I will not respond when you say it to me
But my child I have not abandoned you
I will let you down because I have faith in your heart
I've felt it beat next to mine
I have faith that even if you can't hear my words
That your heart understands
I know... because I live there now.

Good Mourning

After months of agonising wait, the day has finally arrived!
Last night Grey's Anatomy Season 6 has aired. And thanks to the internet I need not wait for months, possibly years, before they show it on free TV.

The S6 premiere is 2-hour long and I want it to go very slowly because I love this show so much! I have seen the promo videos for the first five minutes of it a couple of days ago and this morning I get to watch the rest of it.

So I will update this entry as soon as I am done watching it xx

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Grief may be the a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on every one. It is not just death we have to grief; it is life, it's loss, it's change. And if you wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing you gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
When it hurts so much that you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
By remembering that one day, somehow impossibly you won't feel this way. It wont hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way so the best we can do - best anyone can do - is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you cant control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes and let it go when we can. The very worst part is that when you think you're past it it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. they look different in all of us but there are always five. DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION, ACCEPTANCE. - Grey's Anatomy, Season 6 - Ep 1.

HIT THE PLAY BUTTON TO LISTEN TO EMILIA TORTINI'S AMAZING SONG CALLED "TODAY HAS BEEN OK" AND TYRONE WELLS' "SINK OR SWIM".

MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

Karma

This is one of the favourite words simply because I believe strongly in its meaning. According to a website:

Karma is simply the process of cause and effect. If you do A, B will happen. If you plant tomato seeds, and water and look after them, tomatoes will grow.

whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap St Paul, Galatians 6-7

Before we are born in this world we decide, while still in the realms of Spirit and along with our higher guides, the lessons we shall pursue here. Spirit helps us pursue these lessons by creating the conditions necessary for us to receive our chosen experience.

There is once a woman who is well too proud of herself, in fact more than she should be who told her sister and mother that they are dead to her. Her mother who gave her life and made sure she never went hungry or cold and her sister who made a lot of sacrfices to make sure she never hit rock bottom alone. If it took a lot of money it was never a problem. Until the day she told her sister she owes no gratitude to her as most of the help she gave was financial. Never mind that her sister would rather spend the money so that her electricity won't be cut off. Nevermind that her sister would rather spend the money to buy her new pair of shoes because she couldn't lump seeing her swollen sole rubbing on her very worn pair of shoes she wore every day to work. Never mind the many times that the same sister have her the last money in her purse to make sure they did not miss their monthly rent. Apparently to her it was just money. Money she couldn't afford to pay back!
Weeks after she told those hateful words to her mother and sister she found out she was carrying dead twins outside her womb. I wasn't sorry for her. Not at all. In fact I gloat over the news for weeks. How KARMA strikes and when it does it strikes hard indeed. I thought to myself - the twins represented the dead mother and the dead sister.

That is why I love this word - it makes me the person I am now and have always been. I believe if you are aware of this word you tend to be more careful of the bad things you say and do and less aware of the good things you do to others. Sabi nga nila, kung ano ang tinanim s'yang aanihin. God has blessed me with so much through the years and I believe it is because I have always shared them with the people around me. Dreams, love, time and money is what he blessed me most with and these are what I share. I don't get my prayers answered every time, but He gives me the things I need the most in front of the things I want. I'm no saint so I am sure one day I will get my Karma too. But I think I have planted many good seeds and will continue to do more so when my karma comes for the bad things I have done, I will have the people who loves me to see me through the bumpy road.

For you, a thousand times over...

A good friend in WOW had told me about a novel by Khaled Hosseini called "A Thousand Splendid Suns". He was so passionate about the book that the following week I went to the Library in town and looked for the book. Unfortunately it wasn't available at the time which made me pretty disappointed because I read some really impressive reviews on it. Not to mention a recommedation from someone who likes his books.

A couple of weeks ago my husband came home from work bringing me a cheese sandwich from Gregg's which has been a habit for a whole month. The reason being it's the only thing that I manage to keep down in my stomach. But that particular day, he also brought a book for me to read with my sandwich.

I was so ill I could not take the book in so it lived in the bedside drawer for the next couple of weeks until it was time for me to go to the hospital for a little procedure. The next time I saw the book was on 21st of September when James told me he packed the book with other stuff I needed for my little stay at the hospital.

The book is called The Kite Runner written by the same author as "A Thousand Splendid Suns", Khaled Hosseini. By the time I was on the last 15 pages, it was time to go home. James collected me from work and I read the rest of it when I was comfy in bed. I was told that this book is heartwrenching and one reading it should be prepared to have a good cry. But the only time I came close to crying was when Amir tried to ignore his guilt by telling Hassan to go away and stop bothering him again. I have a soft spot for underdogs and I felt truly empathetic with Hassan. Was I disappointed that i didn't have a good cry? No. This book gave me hope that maybe there are Muslims out there like Amir's father. |Here is an excerpt from the book, my favourite part:

"Now, no matter what the mullah teaches, there is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft... When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness... There is no act more wretched than stealing, Amir."

It was definitely a well worthwhile read. I love first person story telling style. If I ever write my own book it will be in the first person too - which is highly doubtful because I heard it is more difficult to write a good book in that style. Ah well, I'll stick to first person blogging for now =)

Today and Now (poem)

Today and Now
by Vivien Allen, 23.09.09

We’re always looking forward to tomorrow
Taking for granted the now and today
We spend too much time worrying about the sorrow
Crying for the people who leave but never for those who stay.

We’re always thinking ahead of time
Forgetting the life we are given today and now
We always think too hard to try and make the words rhyme
But we forget the people who try to make our life worthwhile.

We live our lives with our eyes always focused forward
We never bother to look back
But if we do and we see the tracks we left behind
We’ll see the beauty that we missed, the shadows of today and now.

And I see the footprints that tried to catch up with me
It is fading quicker than I could take it in
These footprints are not mine but of someone who’s always been with me
I wish I knew who they belong to, but I walked too far now to see.

This made me feel a whole lot better today

this is how boring I am to talk to, look Poppy fell asleep watching my sickly face on MSN haha

I've been feeling unwell for about three weeks now and it sucks. But looking on the bright side it has gotten a lot better and I can see the light at the end of this stupid tunnel I got stuck in! It's nearly the end of summer now and I'm not looking forward to the cold again but I am looking forward to the falling leaves and I simply love the colours of Autumn.