The Morning After

Oh man that last entry was roughly written!

I wrote that past midnight when I was in the cold living room venting off. James and I fell out last night and I felt like if I stayed in the bedroom I might not be able to keep myself from strangling him. OK, well that is a little bit morbid but I was really angry. As he put it, I was possessed by anger.

This morning though I can't even remember what I was so angry about. Well I remember dropping the toothpaste in the toilet bowl and that was the second time that happened this week. I had a moan at him for not doing something about the slanted bathroom shelf and from there branched out several others - sorting out the aerial cable in the bedroom, drilling a little hole in the kitchen wall for the hook to hang the calendar on etc etc. I think it was what he said in the bathroom that triggered my irritation. He said, "I'll get you a new toothpaste". Yeah, like that is going to make the tiniest difference. "Oh sure... you can buy 10 new toothpastes and it won't help the tilted shelf." Sarcasm really does not help in this kind of situation.

I've been feeling really strange the past few weeks. I feel frustrated at nothing, angry at nothing and I have the urge to cook all the time. I have to stop myself doing that though because only James eat the stuff I cook. Good sign! I have not completely lost my mind as I still recognise the fact that wasting food is something that does not help me or James. Yesterday I made some Ensaïmadas and I wanted to make some pan de sals but I ran out of flour. Well I had some SR flour but that's not good to use to make bread.

I think maybe it has something to do with my Implanon. It's a progesterone-only contraceptive implant and I have always used combination pill. Apparently Implanon users have experienced really bad mood swings and depression or abrupt changes in temperament. I don't really know what it's done to me apart from the fact that it made me gain 5lbs but that doesn't really bother me much. In fact I went on Kellog's website and was told I'm still underweight by their BMI calculator. I don't feel underweight so I am not bothered by that either.
I've always been moody before but never angry. James said to me this morning that I kicked like a footballer last night and was stronger than he remembers. He thinks it has something to do with my implant as well but I'm not advised by doctors to go back on the pill. I think I might do some research on contraceptives again as I don't think Implanon and I are jiving well.