Sometimes I love to open my eyes in the dark of the night
Because in there I see life more beautiful than the light
I dream of the future even if it doesn't seem very bright
In the dark I see happiness without a question or a doubt.
Your voice echoes and your scent fills the air
In the silence of my thoughts every thing suddenly feels all right
In my dreams every thing was perfect, your smile was in sight
In the dark you were strong and you thought I was worth the fight
But when morning comes and all the dreaming ends
I know it's too late to try to tell you I'm sorry and make ammends
So I face the day closing my eyes now and again
In that one second I live in the moments when we were best friends.

- Vei 30.7.09


__________________________________________________

If she leaves a tear in your eye
You can come to me but I won't wipe it dry
I'll be here to listen and you won't hear me sigh
I promised I'll stay and I won't stop you cryin.
I'll let you pour your heart out and tell me all about her
I promise I won't show you a single tear
I won't let on my heart is breaking for both you and me
And silently wishing you'd see me differently

- Vei 30.7.09

WANTED: George

I have just watched the Season (5) Finalè of Grey's Anatomy and man did I have a good cry. My favourite character there is George. In the real world he is my ideal man. Quiet, confident but doesn't brag about it, very intelligent, empathetic, compassionate, kind, shy, loves his family, doesn't give up on his chosen career, always optimistic and is not argumentative. Kind of like Peter Parker. George is not the best looking doctor in similar television programmes, but I was never one for looks. I appreciate looks but at the end of the day, humour wins over looks. Now I have to wait a couple of months to know if George died. His haircut suits him at that last clip they showed. It's very George saving a stranger from getting hit by a bus. The girl he saved is very pretty, maybe if George lives she can be his girl. I don't care much whether or not Izzy lives, she shouldn't even be a doctor. She should be a social worker. She stole someone's husband which she later dumped because the sex wasn't as good as when he was still married, cut Denny's LVAD wire which caused him to die, lied to get on top of the heart recipient list, lied to her mother about the result of her MRI and she's never strived to be a better doctor - all she wanted to do was man the Clinic. Strangely enough when I asked James which Grey's character I am, he said I am half-Izzy and half-Meredith. I think I could live with that.

I will be dreaming of Grey's Anatomy every day now until the 24 of September :( That scene where George held Meredith's hand and scribbled 007 (takes me back to Season 1!) on her palm with such difficulty, because the bus dragged him and he was beyond recognition when he got to the hospital, made me cry really hard. That was really heart breaking. There aren't many Georges around nowadays, so if you find one, try your best to keep them.

People Come and Go. So make the most of every minute.

(These are photos of me and my closest friends after we haven't see one another for 4 years, except Sarah my best mate of course as I never lost contact with her:)


Two Sundays ago, I met the first WOW people I have played with. They were James' school mates whom he haven't seen for 3 years. I contemplated going with them for a meal. I thought I should give them time and space to catch up without the awkwardness of having to include me in the conversation. But then I thought if i didn't go, they might think I'm a snob. In the end I decided to go. I wanted to meet them as well. It was Will, James' bestmate from school who booked the table at Frankie & Benny's and also served as taxi service for the night =)
Very punctual as British people are (very different from Pinoys!) he arrived to collect us 15 miutes early and then we went to collect Mark. It's a shame Mark's sister had the flu, I wanted to come in and have a minute with his dog and his cat! I was disappointed.

As I sat across Mark and in between Will and James I found that I didn't feel uncomfortable or uneasy at all. Will was cracking jokes all the time and he never wiped the smile off his face. I felt like I was in a dream. I was there in the flesh with two people that for the longest time I only known as Kihvi the rogue and Aoetsu the hunter. You might think I am a basketcase for feeling this way, after all they are not celebrities. They are just people who enjoy the same online game as I do. But you wouldn't know would you? You aren't me.

I've been playing this game for almost four years now, and I met many people. I quit for a few months but not completely. I sometimes wonder if I am real or if I'm just a virtual character, like Foxychick. I'd like to be her, she's epic and a leader and co-manages a guild. She's confident with her bow and her pet with her all the time, not to mention her long night elf legs. I've played with so many people in WOW and made a few close ties. A few days ago a recent friend I have been playing with and speaking to on TS wrote me an ingame mail saying he's quit the game to sort out some real life stuff. I was really bummed by this. He was a really nice kid, always giggly and a joker on TS. He got me to speak on TS which I haven't done in 3 years. Back in vanilla WOW, I spoke (on TS) all but twice in our 40-man raid because I had to say I got DC'd in game.

I'm starting to think I have this effect on people. Every one I get close with on WOW quits. There were a few in vanilla WOW, but the ones I was closest to were: Cyb the druid, Stian IRL. He is now studying to become a doctor. Ironclad the druid, Jes IRL. He is a new daddy and is busy with his little boy. Helos, the warrior (Filipino bloke living in Holland), I haven't heard from him for a while since we only have contact through MySpace and I have deleted my Myspace account because I am everywhere on the internet. Seeza, the warlock who is now living and working abroad. There's Sodas the Paladin who has quit the game because he got a new job and pursuing his studies at the same time. Then there's Plue the Paladin but I don't think he quit. I think he's now palying his horde character. And recently Shakenbake, the paladin. He says he is sorting out some RL stuff so I wish him luck with that.

WOW is no different from RL in some ways. People come and go. I've learned to accept that but I still can't help missing the people who have gone. They leave permanent marks in my WOW and RL heart.

Life for Rent

LIFE FOR RENT
sung by Dido
I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't lean to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent...

____________________________________________________

I wrote a couple of poems tonight, sad ones. I think I watched too much Grey's Anatomy for the past week :p Ah well, I love to write so I write.

HEART OF GOLD
26.7.09
23:06/by Vei
There she stood in the rain not feeling the cold
She’s digging a hole to hide herself
But all she’s hiding from is her heart of gold.
She never judged people no matter what they’ve done
She cared for everyone
Even those who repeatedly let her down.
Soaked and shivering she stares at the hole she’s dug
I know she wants to cry
But she’s been crying all her life and now she’s tired.
I wish I stayed long enough but my heart was breaking
Every second I watched her hurting
I wish I never left her side
Even just to say goodbye
Here I am standing in the rain not feeling the cold
Wishing she was still here for me to hold
What I wouldn’t give to hear her heart beat again
That big heart of solid gold.

______________________________________________

THE DAY
by Vei

I wish I could write songs
So I could sing these words to you
I written you many letters
But words on paper just wont do
I wish I could play my guitar
To make a perfect melody to tell you
That when you walked out of my life
I didn’t really think you’d go far
You came and went
That’s just how you are
I broke your heart and you broke mine too
I thought we could always start anew
We start as friends and then it gets deeper
I always made sure I am there to catch you
Each time you let yourself go and fall
And I always made sure I give you space
Every time you decide not to call
But I’d still write songs for you
If only I could
I’d learn to make the perfect melody
Oh yes, I would
Maybe that will make you love me
For longer than a day
And still love me when you’re sober
I believe in that day.

Follow this link to go to my Photobucket account to see more pix!

Finally!

Something is wrong with this photo...

Can you spot it?

(click the pic to enlarge)

More poems by Me

16.7.09
18:00

She’s always there when you need her
She’s there all the time
You tell her how she makes your every second
Worth all the while
She never blames you for any fault
Even though you know it’s yours
You wait for her to walk out
Instead she smiles and wipe all of your doubts

She’s not perfect just like anyone
She’s got her flaws
She never plays by the rules
She sets her own laws
She gets mad when you forget to say
That you love her every day
But you know that when every one else leave
She will be the only one to stay

The world is a much better place for you
Because you are loved in so many ways
You know the love you have indeed is very few
And you will fight for her no matter what everyone says
You’re so lucky and so is she
I will never be that woman you stare at so lovingly
I can only look from outside and love you secretly
And somehow be happy that she loves you eternally.

________________________________________________________

12.7.09

Loving You

It’s another ordinary day
People do their nine-to-five’s
Every one smiles at me and say
isn’t it a great day to alive?

I smile back, each sweeter than the next
I try to make myself believe
I don’t want to let on I’ve been hurting
Hurt caused by the memories I refuse to leave

I’m not ready to let you go
I don’t want to say goodbye yet
Maybe one day I’ll learn to
But right now I wouldn’t bet
On anything but loving you.

I’m not ready to accept you’re gone
Let me cry some more
I make myself believe you’re still mine
Let me learn to ignore
The pain of loving you.

One day I will be ready
I will get there
But right now I love you still
My heart is not done breaking
And I’m not done loving you.

________________________________________________________

You were just a stranger
Who picked me up from the ground
When every one else didn’t care.
You were just a stranger
But you listened like a true friend
And eased my pain just by being there
A sweet stranger like no other
Your comforting touch said it all
And right there and then I didn’t
Feel broken anymore.
But you changed
just as I learned to smile again
I should be angry that you left
But I owe you a heart that’s made whole again.
And you’ve been everything
that everyone didn’t bother to be
And for that and many reasons
You will always be special to me.

My heart is broken at the moment... as broke as my digicam :(

I dropped it yesterday trying to take some photos of the flat that has now transformed into a nice little home. A little more tweaking and it will be brill.

So gonna have to take the cam to town and see if it's worth fixing or if it's cheaper to buy a new one because i think the lens is broken...

Damn it! I had that cam for three years and it could pass for brand new. Not a single scratch on it. I dropped it once and it effin broke on me.

I'm to upset to even write. So upset I gorged till I choke and couldn't breath anymore - on everything that was edible. Ah well, at 6st10 I think I can afford to. Not sure if that also applies to a brand new digicam. Ah well. It's a really good digicam and it took a lot of memories in action . Why couldn't every gadget be as resistant and enduring as the Nokia 6110? Of course it's like obsolete now, but resilient nonetheless.

I can't believe someone will actually take five minutes of his precious time to write to a stranger to say: "howcome you're only wearing a bra for a top on this pic?"
He's not so fortunate to get a response from me. What is wrong with this picture anyway? I don't have to answer to anyone.
And I think my hair looks great in this pic haha ^_^

Chance the Cat

I know you’ve been wanting to see the world
You’ve wondered what’s beyond the four walls
You think I’ve caged you for a reason other than love
You didn’t believe me when I told you why
The world is not what it seems
It’s dark and cold and full of empty dreams
But if you think I don’t love you because I keep you away
I will let you go if you really don’t want to stay
I’m setting you free and pray that the world treats you kindly
Just don’t forget that you still have a home to come back to
If the world ever turns against you.

Five Years (poem)

09.7.09
18:03

Five years ago you were here
And I was in your arms
I hear the same song in my head
The same one you sang to my ear
I can’t believe it has been five years.
Since I cried on the telephone
I didn’t feel tears run down my cheek
But I knew I was crying
I felt so utterly sick
And my heart was breaking
Into a million pieces
That five years has not mended
It’s still scattered everywhere
Everywhere we’ve been to together
Every step of loving you
Every second of hoping you’d come back
To help me piece back my heart
I still haven’t found an answer to why
What and where I went wrong
Why you said it wasn’t me you belong with
Why you left me alone and cold to bleed
It doesn’t make sense to me
Why you wanted to be free
Now I am left with all the memories
That keeps me up at night
I couldn’t have loved you more if I tried
Even though you know I would have tried if you'd have asked
Five years from now I know I’d still be wondering
And still be trying to piece back a good heart
I’d still be trying to find the answers in the dark
I can’t believe it’s been five years
Of loneliness, heartache and tears
I hope I can take another five years
Of loving you secretly.

Home New Sweet Home

It's now 8:44 PM on a Friday. Just got the internet working and it's good to be back online :)
I've been writing since getting here in our new flat on Monday morning but obviously unable to publish them having no internet so I am going to publish a long one. Updates incoming!

My laptop reads 8:57PM so that makes it 1:57 in the afternoon here. I never really wear a watch, my mobile phone is dead and I’m not about to rummage through all the hundreds of bags and suitcases to find my charger. Needless to say a wall clock is not on the top of our list so we have no time in our new home right now – literally.

We got here this morning at 10:30 after we’ve been to the Agents Office to settle the bills. We met with a woman called Stacy who run us through things we need to know about the flat and left us a copy of the contract and of course the keys.

I feel really at home here. This is such an exciting day for me. It’s new. Now I can say I am the lady of this home. It’s not a house, it’s only a humble size flat, but it will be a home in every way. Maybe not quite at the moment because there are bags and luggage everywhere! Except in the kitchen area where I have put most everything away in their new cupboards. I love our new plates. I will take a picture of them when I get the time.

At this point, James is back to Lockoford Lane where he and his dad are disassembling the computers and bringing them here along with the last of our stuff. Both his mum and dad drove back and forth in separate cars to transport our stuff which is really helpful of them. James’s dad even brought us a bag of new potatoes fresh from his own garden!

You are probably wondering why I am here and not helping them our transport stuff. I am here because I am waiting for our bed to be delivered. The bed that James’s parents paid for – except for the headboard, James paid for that. I said I don’t mind what kind of bed we have as long as I can have a headboard.

After the bed has been delivered, the three men are going to collect the furniture we bought from Past & Present a couple of weeks ago. Good job James’s uncle Rich has a white van and they reckon they can transport the wardrobe, chest of drawers, bar stools and a vanity chair. That saves us fifteen quid of delivery fee.

It’s almost overwhelming, the help we’ve been getting from people. A week ago, James’s auntie sent us 100 to help us buy stuff for our new home, the cheque was enclosed in a lovely thoughtful card. And this morning we got another one from his other auntie that had a 150-chequeu in it. Yesterday our next-door neighbour in Lockoford Lane also gave us a card wishing us best wishes in our new place and some kitchen stuff wrapped nicely in a pretty gift wrapping paper. Good job I have bought ten little Thank You cards about some 8 days ago. I’d like to take a picture of our new flat when everything is in place and send it off to both of James’s aunties for them to see where their generosity has gone to. His auntie Linda wants us to buy a vacuum cleaner with the money but I don’t think that it’s practical. The place is not carpeted, it’s all wooden so I don’t think it’ll really need hoovering. I think a dry mop and brush+dustpan will be all we need to keep the place clean. The money will be better spent on electronics that we have not got yet like microwave etc. Wherever the money goes toward I will make sure that the cards are sent off and photos to follow.

It’s the first day of July already. Where did the time go?

Hmm, speaking of time I got the English time now: 3:30PM. I have just had lunch after sorting out 3 big suitcases of clothes and 1 of random bits and bobs. And while waiting for my second load of washing to finish I get to write and watch A Place in the Sun: Home or Away, one of the very few TV programmes I watch here. I just love looking at houses, particularly kitchen layout. I dream of a large fully customised kitchen someday with a Foxy Corner where a laptop/comp would be and a lot of pens and paper so I can write whilst waiting for the cake to bake. ^_^

So far I still feel like I am in a hotel instead of my home J A tip of a hotel though lol

While the living area has come together and the kitchen has taken shape I still have a lot of work to do to make this little abode a cozy home. And I intend to do just that.

Yesterday we bought the rest of the furniture and house stuff that we needed and I am so glad because everything is so dear. We got everything we need now except the internet. I am already suffering from withdrawal syndrome lol Nah to be honest I don’t miss it as much as I thought I would. I got tons to do so I don’t even think about it.

It’s now the second day of the seventh month. I did not get to write much yesterday because James rang me to say he’ll be home an hour earlier than he thought because the place was dead. I guess when the weather is baking like this carvery is not such an attractive meal. This week has been fantastic. We’ve had a gorgeous spell of clear skies and sunshine. For most people it’s too hot, to me it’s just like our annoying summer back home. Strangely enough the temperature today is 30 degrees-C which is pretty normal in the Philippines especially in the summer and normally I’d be annoyed but right now I am quite psyched to see and feel the sunshine on my skin. I actually burned myself one Sunday BBQ and I still have tan lines! Heh if you think I couldn’t get any tanner haha

This year’s summer has been a lot better than last year’s and I’ve been more cheerful with the sunshine around. Some thing I have always taken for granted in the Philippines, except when I was in Boracay. God what I wouldn’t give to be there right now!

I have just stopped shaking after a really loud noise startled me to death. It was the smoke alarm. I panicked because I have not been doing any cooking or anything at all so I got my mobile phone and rang James. Luckily he answered. I was in tears – literally! I checked everywhere in the flat and everything was intact and no trace of smoke anywhere. There wasn’t a switch to turn the bloody thing off. I got my torch and a bar stool and even checked the fuse box and I was shaking in panic. I can hear people outside the door and thought ‘shit I’ve disturbed my neighbours’. I was so embarrassed by that thought that I panicked even more. And then after twenty more seconds of that agonising bleeping noise it just stopped. On one hand I was relieved; on the other I was even more confused. What if James was right? That maybe it was the general building fire alarm? I would have been totally screwed if it was that. The building is burning and I am panicking to turn the alarm off… whatever it was we need to find out because it’s traumatising for me not knowing what the bloody hell was going on and what the bloody hell to do. It’s funny the first thing James asked was “have you been cooking?”

It’s now 10:40 in the evening, in bed munching on a lemon cake whilst watching Notting Hill. I have seen it countless times and know almost every line from it. It’s one of the most romantic films ever – until, of course, The Notebook came out.

I have started reading John Grisham’s novel The Summon this afternoon when the smoke alarm went off – AGAIN! This time I went out and I met someone! Unfortunately I didn't quite catch her name - it sounded like Stacey and Tracy. Can't be sure since we were both struggling to hear each other in the hall where the fire alarm was going off! She was quite nice and she told me something is wrong with the alarm system and this time it was Flat 15 what set it off. That flat is empty.

3.07.09

Damn I hope they fix it because the smoke alarm went off AGAIN at 4:00AM!!! Bloody joke! The good thing is James went out and someone who's lived in the building for a while showed him how to shut it off if it does it again. Five minutes later James walked back in and went back to bed. two minutes later - guess what - it went off again! And again at 11. At least it brings the neighbours together :)